Recently I was having a discussion with colleague of mine. We were actually ooing and ahhing over his very young daughter and discussing the merits of the fact that his wife is able to stay home and look after her until she determines whether she would like to re-enter the work force or continue on to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). This conversation was layered with the recent release of a book, The Primates of Park Avenue by Wednesday Martin. Interestingly, the book is about very wealthy SAHM (that only NYC could really create) and how their world is focused on childrearing perfect children, maintaining control (over their body, infidelity and status) and escaping via any variety of substances. Several articles have now been written about the book two of which you can find here and here.
Now of course these sorts of stories hardly apply to either of us in the conversation, but it led us down the rabbit hole of SAHMs vs. Working moms. And specifically, the competition that inevitably builds between these two types of women. Why? Is there jealousy? Expectation? As our conversation progressed, my friend offered his support of his wife (which is fantastic) – that he would support her to do what she thought was best for her and for their daughter. Although this is great and in many ways absolves men of the issue almost entirely, it in no way changes the competition of the moms.
What can we do a a society? How does this impact the advancement of equality of the genders in our society? Do working women suffer if there are peers who choose to leave their career to stay at home? How does society fair? Our children? If there is no parent at home, who raises the child? A service or a nanny. Believe me, I understand the fear around either option. I have personally witnessed more than one nanny on the streets of NYC being reasonably aggressive towards the children in their care. I also know that I am not convinced that I would like to stay at home with my child/ren should I have them.
So what to do? In my utopian world, it would be great to bridge the gap. If society is constructed to be a “man’s world” then it is up to women to help one another. We will only be as strong as each woman willing to contribute. No matter what one’s choice it, I hope that we can all work together to make childrearing more possible and better for our children together than separated. It would be great to be friends with women who make both choices so that if you are a working mom and you run into a bind at the office you can lean a little bit on the SAHM … and as a SAHM and your kids grow up – and you prepare to re-enter the work force you will already have peers and connections to can help you and support you along the way.
